Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?