Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
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I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.