Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
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Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
This is my brand.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns