Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Happens to everyone.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?