@JohnLyonTweets: "Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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@KalvinMacleod: DOG BOSS: ur fired ME: wait, is there any way you'll reconsider? DOG BOSS: no ME: u want to go for a ride in the car DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
@dshack8: "I'll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself." Drunks and 1 year olds.
@longwall26: "Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!" "LOL sir, that was a barber." "He was black." "We're sending a battleship."