@JohnLyonTweets: "Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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@LindaInDisguise: Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head? Him: That's nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
@houffy: I don't think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name "Lamb of God" is misleading.
@1Happytwit: HR said I'm not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I'm supposed to use though, they wouldn't tell me.
@Reverend_Scott: You excited to watch the Super Bowl? "Ya, but only cuz the commercials." [sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]