“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
every single time
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?