“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
i’m still crying at this
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Otters see a butterfly.