Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Poetry is my passion
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty