Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!