Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos