Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
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I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me sliding into hell like
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie