@_Kayditty: Why can't I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
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@dshack8: No one is more productive than a guy who's been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
@Chicken_Hawk38: Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
@RedBeard3000: Officer: have you been drinking? Me: no sir 0: you were swerving M: Twitter O: oh, I'm on Twitter what's your handle M: yes, I was drinking