Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
You Might Also Like
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops