I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE