The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.