According to math, I’m broke
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Shower sex be like:
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.