“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
How do dragons blow out candles?
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
hi why am I like this
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.