@E_lok44: "Why can't I just eat the wax?"
~me, when I can't open the cheese
@truegritrumble: FRIEND: Try to relate to her.
(Later on Date)
ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
@OuterJohn: Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon.
@oakhillbargrill: - grabs leash
- grabs phone
- takes dog out for walk
- pulls out phone
- checks Twitter
- walks dog to South America
@mikefossey: I'm a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math
@d_haggar: I want this election to be over so badly you'd think it was a friend's play.