@E_lok44: "Why can't I just eat the wax?"
~me, when I can't open the cheese
@mjkspeaks: [Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
@TheBigBatman: her: psssssssst
GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
@JohnMCochran: i want a reality show that's just footage of the losers' car ride home after family feud
@WheelTod: "Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day
@Chumpstring: ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.