@causticbob: Why can't Stephen Hawking dance? Because he's white.
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@iwearaonesie: son: What’s taking dad so long? me *pretending I’m looking for something in the trunk because I pulled the wrong fucking lever* wife: He’s acting like he meant to open the trunk instead of the fuel door release
@blade_funner: [God inventing children] A: Aw, so cute. G: Make 'em scream. A: But - G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
@Parentpains: Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
@PaperWash: People without kids: I'll never yell at my kids People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!