“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.