Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
You Might Also Like
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
#titanic
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
12. I think about this all the damn time
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.