Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me trying to walk in a dream
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
There’s no “us” in nachos.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
WTF
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.