Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.