Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
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4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
#polloftheday
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.