Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.