“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.