@rolldiggity: Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
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@ProudFFAalumni: Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter *said thru a mouthful of pie*
@RamblingMachine: A truck with the slogan "We always go the extra mile" took the last parking spot so I wrote on it "because we missed the exit" as a revenge.
@treywafer: Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we'll stop Eddie Murphy.
@narcoticpanda: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"