@rolldiggity: Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
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@TheDairylandDon: No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye's Chicken commercials keeps calling me "Honey" so we'll see where that goes.
@FatherWithTwins: "Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look." - my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
@PeaceInTruth1: Just because I'm smiling doesn't necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
@Vice_Queen: So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?