I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Never let them know your next move 😂
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
thanksgiving in nutshell
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Meeeee too!
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Y’all know who you are.