Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?