why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.