why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Thrilling chase underway
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.