HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure