I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
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“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Monday Lisa
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.