Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You Might Also Like
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I laughed at this way too hard.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Catering service
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.