“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I have so many questions.