@MrPhetz: Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon
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@matt___nelson: [at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I'm a koala] Waiter: "what can I get u?" "do u have any eucalyptus?" *restaurant goes quiet*
@vineyille: "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.
@ThaJawn: *takes a hit off the joint *slowly exhales Ahhhhhh This is the best baked sale ever "It's a BAKE sale" *exhales again Tell me about it
@HousewifeOfHell: Kids' complaints on vacation: - No wifi on beach - Sand is sandy - Ocean has salt in it - Lobsters? I want pizza. - Too outdoorsy outside