Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks