Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
lmaaaaaooooooooo
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle