Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.