@bobvulfov: Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? "hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i'm down with what ur saying"
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@KKAlThani: Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.
@heyjaywolff: "Alexa, lock the door" - me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
@Rollinintheseat: *Speed dating* Me: "Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?" Him: "No." Me: "Next."
@truegritrumble: BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that's here... KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*