@ch000ch: cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

@Scdavis24: I emailed my ex-girlfriend "Are you still alive" and she emailed back "No" which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.

@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.

@graceful_asfuck: Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

@MrLloydSpandex: A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.