@sameblacklist: Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.
@ATorres2181: *walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
YOUR NEXT
"My next what?
*from the closet
"Oh sorry typo I meant you're.
@KentWGraham: If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
@DaddyJew: Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
@JJSummertime: It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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