*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
lmaaaaaooooooooo
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*