Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Legend 🤣🤣
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.