Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.