“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts