Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?