hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
You Might Also Like
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Oh boy, $150,000!
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor