“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
next question.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.