“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
never ask a starfish for directions
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
How it started How it’s going
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
just having fun
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed