Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
You Might Also Like
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Krampus.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women