Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
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MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
back to work
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
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A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future