@stockejock: Why didn't they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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@UNTRESOR: "His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he's spaghetti, his Mom's spaghetti." - Eminem first draft
@POTerritory: Him: The dog ate your take-home final? Me: Yeah. Him: So what happened? Me: Well, a few hours later- Him: Oh, no. Me: -he passed the test.
@LostCatDog: Old professor stands in front of class: Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
@catcerveny: Me: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. H: You do realize I'm your husband, right?