Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Meow
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.