Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”