Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
You Might Also Like
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.