@kumailn: Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!
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@KalvinMacleod: CAR GPS: turn left PHONE GPS: turn right C: who was that? ME: just a friend P: just a friend? ME: wait C: make an illegal U-turn ME: babe
@dril: my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
@LoveNLunchmeat: Diet, Day 14: I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I've repelled everyone else. But I'm starting to really like pears.
@lolajxx: Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime