@kumailn: Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!
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@jimmytorosian: Wife: I told you to baby proof the house! Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
@zorgod: I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
@Parentpains: Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker's tires while they sleep.