-Why didn’t you answer your home phone? -Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me? -Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.

@1followernodad: How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

179

@BackrowSeats: It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.

1

@ericsshadow: "We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS." Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

1

@dshack8: Attention fat vegans: Explain.

174

@Diversion50: "Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

1

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