@SamuelHLowe: -Why didn't you answer your home phone?
-Because I'm walking the dog. Don't you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.
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@shkeeber: If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.
@MisterWarr: My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don't get hired either.
@ipalatsky: cause of death: autopsy.
@JohnLyonTweets: *approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.
@Chumpstring: [robber pulls gun] ME: take my money but please don't hurt me i'm an only child MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he's lying he has a brother
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