“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.