@clindsaysway: Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I'm drunk?
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@NicestHippo: "Bro she's a cold digger" [later with gf] Do you only want me for my germs? [she stops licking my face] Why would you ask that?
@causticbob: I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"
@neiltyson: Getting straight "A"s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting "A"s doesn't preclude it.
@WillSaysStuff: This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!