Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Boating season is upon us.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.