Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
12. I think about this all the damn time
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.